Forced Apologies Made By Debbie

The line of defence

As I begun to write my post today I looked up the word “justification”, thinking the meaning would be to give reason or explanation for an act or decision. I found that the word “apology” is a synonym for word “justification”.  This to me implies a decision or choice ‘is’ incorrect unless I can produce fact or reason for the choices I make.

Our daily lives are full with choices, in fact I often joke how boring life would be if we all make the same choices. Our choices are what make us individual and unique. In many ways our lives are driven by choice.

When my alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning I am forced to make my first choice of the day.  I can chose to hit the snooze button and roll over for another 10 minutes until my alarm again reminds me that I planned to get up and start my day at this time, I chose what time I wanted to be up or acknowledge the choice I made the night before and get up.  Often this decision is driven by the powerful image of a mug of hot coffee and memory of its smell. I like to have my first cup of coffee of the day alone before my home is invaded by the necessary presence of a support worker.

I could however choose not to set my alarm and not to get to until my support worker knocks at my door and their are days when for reasons known only to me I make that choice to forgo the aroma of that first cup of coffee and to catch the news headlines before I rise and shine.  The odd support worker has threaten to throw stones at my window, but as yet none of them have chosen that option.

In the main that is because I am motivated to get up for a hot shower, especially on a cold winters morning.  I may choose a long hot shower over the waking thought of the aroma of my cup of coffee. Our choices are driven by our motivation, some of these at rational, others may be irrational or selfish. As we make daily choices however small they are: like to sleep in our choices will have conqueneces .  The result of my not setting my alarm is the lost of a few precious monuments in the morning to gather my thoughts, catch the news headlines or reflect and pray.

Few people in my life question these few choices I make as I start my day even if it is different to theirs.  Others many choose to start the day with water to detox and a dash to the gym. Just as they respect my choice for a coffee, I too respect the choice to care for their bodies.

Our choices can at times impact the lives of those around us.  Living a alone these early morning choices do not affect others.  But then sooner or later that knock on the door comes and if I chose to open the door, then my choices begin to affect others.

The front door opens and so my choices enter the view of those who I share my existence with on this plant.  If I chosen to strip my cloths off as I make my way down the bedroom the night before and wheel over them in the morning in the desperate quest for the first cup of coffee before that intruding knock comes and others invade my home and space, then they too are forced to step over my cloths and find where I am hiding, which is usually laughing with the Sunrise gang and JT’s latest prank, unless of course I have chosen not to get up and I decide to ask for a cup of coffee.

Unless I have a very understanding worker or I very unwell, the coffee is place on the table and those items of clothing the worker was forced to step over are gathered up and place in the wash and my supper dishes are cleared away.

The worker may chose to have a dig at me . . . What time did you boyfriend leave last night or was it at 10 to seven this morning? So its 7:15 and the please explain questions start.  For the next few hours there is no privacy and I may be asked to defend choices I make. Usually it’s about my decision about whether or not I want breakfast and the answer ‘nothing’ or ‘coffee’ meet with a disappointing look or a growl. You should eat breakfast . . . You have tablets to take . . . You’ll feel better if you eat. How about toast?

Hang on what happen to client choice? That is usually meet with the I have a duty of care line and if you have a seizure I will ‘feel’ responsible!

The defence that thousands of people have made or are about to make the very same choice in not accepted as justification and the fact the have just had a ice coffee  for breakfast escapes them. Because a support work perceives they are responsible for my welfare in this area, I become defenceless and not justification for my decision exists and a your right apology is usually forthcoming and before 7:30 am the first line of defence is crossed and my daily battle to defend my home and lifestyle begins.  The first of my self appointed saviours for the day has arrived to rescue from the process of self destruction all because I made a decision that it had become safer to have someone supervise my show in case I fall or have a seizure.

It is then that the true invasion begins and most staff insist it is their job to was, dry and dress me even though I perfectly capable of doing it myself again the fact that there’s documentation to support my defence is tossed of court, because that’s how they do personal care and that’s their definition and I am left with the choice to remain defensive or apologize for my quest of choice and right to independence. Which to many in the disability support system is a crime within itself.

Before 8 am the need to mount defence seems futile battle fatigue begin and then their shift ends and I left to fend unprotected until evening shift begins at 5pm and I am meet with disapproval as I am covered and paint or pastels and I committed my daily crime of using the living room as an art studio and the crime sense remains.  Having no recourse or opportunity for reasoning it is thrown it to boxes and pack neatly away.  The table is polish and a fresh table cloth applied so we can play ladies and have a coffee together.

I shake my head, why can’t I get paid to drink someone else coffee. Instead I am left labelled disable without the right to defence and a forced apology is followed. Of course you can drink my coffee not defence needed here!

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